Processed with VSCOcam with c1 preset
letter to me (1)
gorgeous ( (1)
in gratitude (1)
nine minute yoga (1)
in gratitude (1)

thirty-seven

Last year I skimped out and didn’t write my annual birthday list. At the time my life was consuming me and I just couldn’t, but now I’m missing a year! But here we are and here I am…this year, and today is my birthday. Thirty seven! This year, I made a point to continue my birthday list madness…with thirty seven new bits of randomness about me. I read back through all of my past lists. This is fun! So without further ado…and in no particular order:

IMG_06401.) Ultimately, I’m a pretty funny and open person, but until you get to know me, I’m kinda shy and quiet at first.

2.) I am currently realizing some underlying fears I have. It’s something I’m working on. Sometimes I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

3.) I’m currently learning that self work is a rewarding, but tough thing. My heart wants to be and stay open, but to get there, I have to dig really deep.

4.) When I was about 10 years old, I took golf lessons. My family used to golf a lot. I had my own little set of clubs my size and my own bag. I thought I was cool.

5.) The other sport that my family reveled in was ice hockey. My dad would watch the games after I went to bed and get all pumped up with each goal. We went to our fair share of hockey games too. It’s something that tied our family together in a weird sorta  way.

6.) I love wildflowers and foliage. I pick them and put them in little jars in my house.

7.) As a kid I had this thing about jumping off high places. I’d jump off the very top of my swing set, over the railing of the highest step of our basement stairs, and even off the roof of my parents house. I can’t believe I never broke my legs.

8.) I love ice cream. Always have.

IMG_06439.) Someday I want a cow. So I can make ice cream. (Seems logical, right?)

10.) My three siblings and I all live in different states. I’m the only one who lives in the same state as my parents, but am not the closest in distance.

11.) I dream of the days when I will get to sleep all night long without being woken by little people, all while trying to cherish the here and now. It’s a tough one.

12.) This year has been a hugely transformative year for me. I’m learning and realizing more about myself then I have in a long time.

13.) I hoard pens, but lose them quickly, usually due to other people in the house taking them, which could be the reason for hoarding them in the first place.

14.) As a kid, I believed there were little people with little guns hiding under my bed. So at night, if I had to get out of bed, I made this pillow “bridge” to get from my bed to the hallway. Apparently, as long as my feet didn’t touch the floor, my feet wouldn’t get shot.

IMG_064215.) I am an ordained minister.

16.) When I was little I often wished I was a bird so I could fly. I would just lay in the grass and watch them soaring above me.

17.) I am drawn to the clouds.

18.) Sometimes, when I close my eyes and take a really deep breath, I feel connected to everything. I appreciate this feeling more now then ever.

19.) At one point in my life I experienced so much de ja vu. Sometimes I’d even dream the next day before it happened, and then it would happen.

20.) Once I was held at gun point in Philadelphia after a bike rally. The guy wanted my bike, so I gave it to him. Later through the police, I found out there was no gun, just a lot of coke and nasty drugs.

21.) I once traveled to Key West with a backpack full of disposable cameras and two pet rats. One night while camping on the beach, someone cut a hole in the tent and out of everything, stole that bag…rats and all. I wonder what they thought when they opened up my bag.

IMG_064122.) I have three of the best friends in the whole world. It’s taken me some years and situations to realize just how amazing they are and how much I need them and appreciate them in my life. They know me inside and out, sometimes better then I do. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

23.) I believe everything happens for a reason and that things, people, and situations appear exactly when we need them.

24.) I’ve worked up to holding plank pose for three solid minutes. It took, and is continuing to take, daily commitment and effort.

25.) I like architecture, especially that of old churches.

26.) I feel better physically then I have in many years.

27.) I love house plants.

28.) I love to visit the city, but will forever prefer the country.

29.) Sometimes I like to pretend that I have no kids, and just be me.

30.) I played piano for 7 years and drums for three. I am currently missing music playing in my life.

IMG_063931.) The kids and I like to rock out and have dance parties in the car.

32.) My two dream jobs are #1 farmer/homesteader #2 photographer. Someday maybe they will both happen at the same time.

33.) My house runs out of toilet paper often, which doesn’t make my kids too happy.

34.) I resisted the switch from film to digital photography for a long time. Then I went digital because it got to a point where it just made sense to. So, I just bought myself an old film camera for my birthday this year and am looking forward to experiencing film again.

35.) In my early high school track running days, I trained with an Olympic trainer.

36.) My sister and I used to dress our brother up in doll clothes and call him “Katie Pies”. He was the best real life baby doll ever.

37.) I am too hard on myself, a lot. I need to learn to forgive myself and be a lot more gentle to myself, especially in challenging times.

So there you go, me in a nut shell. Thirty seven more things about me that maybe you did or didn’t know. For more, there’s:

thirty-six
thirty-five
thirty-four
thirty-three
thirty-two

Sincerely, Your Truth

I’ve been remembering a lot over these past few weeks of silence.
I’ve been remembering a lot about who I am.
It feels good. Really really good. To be remembering.

letter to me (1) letter to me (2) letter to me (3)Every time I have sat down and tried to write, everything has come out sounding way too cryptic for my liking. Sounding as though I am holding back details, and maybe that’s because I am. Hard things are rarely easy to put into words here. And without the details, I’ve been fumbling with how to move forward in this space. So, I sat. And waited. For clarity. Because that’s something I am really good at. Patience.

letter to me (4) letter to me (5) letter to me (6)In the meantime, I started reading my blog. I read and read and read, back days, months, over a year. As I read, I noticed there’s been a whole lot of cryptic sounding writing, which hit me pretty hard. Because it kinda told me just how long I have been struggling. It’s been a long time, which I guess I knew, but to read it and become aware of just how deep it ran…kinda stung. I like to be honest. Anyone here who knows me knows that’s how I operate. Raw. Honest. Truth. And when that aspect of me feels stifled, I get stumped.

letter to me (7)letter to me (8)letter to me (10)If there could be a personal memo tattooed on my forehead it might read something like this:

“Let Go.”
“Let the Fuck Go.”
“Seriously, let the fuck go of everything in your life that does not help you to be a better person.”
“Let it go before it kills you.”

End of Story.
That’s the straight forward/harsh sounding version at least.

letter to me (11)letter to me (12)letter to me (13)The softer version might go something like this:

Dear Self,

Open your eyes.
Open them as wide as you can.
This life is a gift to enjoy and cherish.
There is so much for you to discover.
Be kind to others, even when you don’t see eye to eye,
because you never know what someone else is struggling with.
Take deep breaths…often, as deep as you can muster.
Fill your heart with love and gratitude.
Appreciate all of your experiences, both the good and the bad.
Because, after all, they ALL make up who you are today.
When it is hot, lay in front of the fan just like you did when you were a little.
Swing on the swings.
Walk barefoot through the morning dew.
Do the 30 day plank challenge, just because.
Stop at random gas stations and take pictures.
Start oil pulling to get rid of your toxins.
Never let your life feel stagnant.
When it does, get up and go.
Explore…a shady forest trail, a small town shop, and old place from the past…your memories.
Remember your dreams.
Write them down,
Rip them up,
And start all over again.
Keep your soul alive.
Nurture yourself.
ALWAYS.
And let go of everything that no longer serves you.
Incorporate what you have learned and move on.
Trust yourself.
Because when your mind is quiet,
the answers will be there waiting for you to discover them.

Sincerely,
Your Truth

letter to me (14)letter to me (15)letter to me (16)And maybe all this is still way too cryptic sounding, but maybe that’s why you come here to read my words. Maybe it’s not necessarily because I have anything amazingly awesome to tell you or teach you or share with you, but more because I am just some normal person who struggles from day to day just like you and the next person. This space has evolved and changed over the years. There was Earth Mama 101, the early years. There was Hullabaloo Homestead, full of homesteading goodness, (but all homesteading has been put on hold for the time being). But golly gee, who knows what this blog should be called anymore. I am merely a no one, who comes here to try to mull over my mere existence in this life and the innate beauty that surrounds me, in a way that maybe will help someone out there to make a difference in their life. Because honestly, there are many days where that’s what I need. To be inspired. I am super lucky right now, to have a handful of people in my life who inspire me…deeply. I know each and everyone of them are there for a reason, and no matter how fleeting that reason may or may not be, I am grateful. Hopefully somewhere along the way, I hope that I can inspire others too.

letter to me (18)letter to me (19)letter to me (20)A couple of nights ago, Sorrel and I took a walk out back and sat together on this huge rock in the field behind our house. We watched the sun set until the fireflies started flashing their lights. We listened to the different birds singing their different songs. We pointed out the moon above. It’s then that I realized just how alive I feel right now for the first time in a very long time. I can’t believe I forgot…how to feel alive. I can’t believe I let that go. For so long. How can I live my life without feeling alive?! That’s what my soul thrives on…passion.

letter to me (22) letter to me (23) letter to me (24)letter to me (26) letter to me (27)And so it is here that I stand.
Tall as a mountain,
With the wind in my hair,
Remembering who I am,
Evolving into all that I am to be.
Learning and re-learning.
Remembering and re-remembering, over and over, because that’s how life rolls.
What I know, is that right now, my heart feels calm and happy…and that’s a wonderful thing.
I am SO ready…
to let go.
to put everything toxic behind me.
to embrace myself and who I am.
to live my life in a way that shines my truth.
Bring it on universe. I am all yours.

“There is no passion to be found in settling
for a life that is less than the one you are
capable of living.”

~Nelson Mandela